July 23, 2002

So I'm trying to decide whether or not to bite the big one and move down to SB. I hate this indecision and I have to let Sonia know for sure one way or another next week, but I don't know what to do because while I want to leave I'm also scared it will be no better than here. So per my mother and Sumit who think exactly alike (it's scary I tell you) I'm writing a list. So what I need from you oh faithful readers (aka michele and kristen) is what you honestly think is the best. So email me! As I suck and have no cool comment features, I'll post what you say on the site so EVERYONE can see the discussion. Ahem...here's the list:

Pros of Going Cons of Going

  • No more two hour commute everyday

  • No more bitchy "workleader" who can make work absolutely miserable

  • No more boring out of the way Benicia but more central Santa Barbara

  • Get to be MUCH closer to Sumit

  • Get to be on my own

  • Will probably be moving to SB in next 9 months anyways

  • No more Girlies/no real friends of my own in SB

  • Have to find a job

  • No More Mom

  • Have to find a place and pay rent

  • Have to MOVE...ughh

  • No More Health/Dental Insurance

  • Will be able to work temp jobs which means if there is a bitchy person I won't have to put up with it for long.

  • Besides the "workleader" I really like the others I work with.

  • My gym pass will only be good at a place an hour away.

  • Don't know if I will get the same amount of pay as here.

Ughhh this is why I hate lists....maybe I should just stay....FUCK.


1. you refer to going to sb as "biting the big one"? hee.

2. I'm not going to be very helpful here because you find my methods flakey. but were it me, I would go. because yes, you have a job here, but you're very employable and you won't have a problem finding another one. you're more employable than I am (degree, more skills, good looking resume, clearly dependable) and I never have problems finding jobs. also, even though I know you like us and all, you don't seem happy too often. and you said yourself how hanging with longhai et al was so great, which makes me feel that hanging with us is not always so great for you. which means we really aren't a factor. sumit on the other hand is a total factor. you're in a real relationship and you've been together for a long time and you yourself are not particularly bound to any one place right now. so it makes no sense to me that you're living five hours away from him. I mean I know why you moved here, but that reason is gone now so why stay? also, you'll still see your mom. I mean you can come visit here - after all you do that drive all the time now anyway, so you could still come see her on weekends when you wanted. so I am pro move for you.


1. You're methods are not flakey. I admire you can just pick up and move and it gives me faith that I can do the same.

2. It's not that you guys don't make me happy it's just that you have lives of your own that do not include me and I have no life of my own. But my point is I still won't have a life of my own in SB, just Sumit.

3. And yes I can visit, but I still feel a little guilty leaving my mother all alone.

4. But keep telling me these things cause they help.


ic... i read you webpage.... you seem confuzzzed! take a coin and do a head

tales toss... heads i win, tales you lose.... if i win you come down.. hows that


At this point I probably should. Ahh but one more concern about moving...what if I don't get into the SB teaching program next year and then I'll have to move again.


to sumit: learn to spell.

to kristen: you flake like a good case of dandruff.

to nuala: don't move. maybe they will fire your so-called "workleader." or maybe you could request moving offices. you could move into sonia's and sonia and lorie could move back into yours. i am being purposefully mean in suggesting this now. but now there's a whole list of reasons to stay. i feel more confident in my decision for you. but then again....it's not my decision. i personally think you should apply for jobs down there, go interview at said jobs, if nothing comes of the trying then don't move. but if someone offers you a job then it crosses off your fear of not having a job down there and sets you up with one. which will also counteract the fear of not making the same amount cause you could make sure you would be making the same amount. and you don't have that much stuff. and you could leave most of it here for a while (books, extraneous stuff.) so it wouldn't be that bad of a move. then again our so called lives which are seperate from yours are so simply because you do not do stuff with us. you could come to baseball. you ARE going camping. you went to coachella with us. you could come over more often if you wanted. you went swimming this weekend. and i went to the aidswalk with you. i think your perception of not having a life with us is skewed. all parts of my life include you. you just need to include yourself in more of it. ummm all that said....i have no idea anymore what you should do. but it's your decision and you should do whatever makes you happy RIGHT NOW. if it ends up being not so happy you can do something else. it won't be the end of the world. it's just moving some crap a couple hours away. don't be afraid of it either way. what do you wanna bet that next sumit suggests a roll of the dice in which if you role a 1,2,3,4,5, or 6 you move down there and if you roll a 7, you stay here? make sure he doesn't spell it role. why am i so mean?!! why!?! i spell things wrong all the fucking time. i bet i spelled things wrong in this email. i am such a hypocrite.


Michele, he always spells things wrong. Get over it. He's an ENGINEER.

They're never going to fire her and they're never going to let me move desks as it makes no sense, so all the stuff that makes me unhappy at work is not going to change.

I didn't say our lives were separate I just said that you guys have lives of your own which you do. And how often do we stuff just one on one or the three of us? Not damn often and while I like your friends, they're not my friends and I don't feel like I have much in common with them so hanging out with them is never all that fun for me. I don't come over more often because I don't like feeling like I'm begging for attention or something. I hate going somewhere with nothing to do and nothing to say. It just makes me want to run away, which I do. Maybe all this unhappiness or the way I feel is my fault, maybe it's not, but it is how I feel about things.


but if you want to do something with just us, why don't you say so? I mean all you have to do is say hey, let's just us watch a movie or just us paint crockery or just us whatever whatever. the fact that you never have suggested anything for us to do together makes me feel that you just don't like us all that much. especially as a lot of times when we are together you wind up on the phone with sumit.


Honestly I don't know why I don't suggest things to do. I think it has to do with me thinking I'm looking for attention or taking your time away from other things. I'm not saying it makes sense it's just what I think. And I do like hanging out with you guys and when sumit does call I do try to limit the conversation. It's just I guess I feel like I'm not fun anymore and that I'm boring all the time and so me not suggesting anything is trying to avoid you having to deal with my uncheerfulness which come on has been pretty prevalent for some time. And believe me I've tried to snap myself out of it, but it's almost like I can't fully relax around anyone anymore.


it's not begging for attention to ask to do something. i ask people if they want to do things all the time and don't think about whether or not it's because i selfishly want all thier attention to be on me. i probably will worry about that from now on though. :P

i'm sorry, sumit. i know you're an engineer. (hee hee hee. she said it first!)

and look at it this way, soon everyone's going to be dispersing anyway so it will be a lot easier to do things with specific people one at a time since there won't be a place where 2 or more people co-exist in the same house. is this discussion really helping you?


No it's not helping. I'm just starting to feel like a horrible friend. Anyways as usual I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I have to go off and help down the hall now so I probably will be a-wall for a little while. I just want you to know that I love you guys and that you have in no way contributed to any of the stupid ways I act or think. I think my main problem is that things are never the way I picture them and so am disappointed by everything.


dood you are totally not a bad friend. and if you don't think of things for us to do, that's ok. but I would be delighted if you did though. because I'm also getting tired of always doing stuff in big groups. like this camping thing: even though I'm glad everyone wants to go, I wish that they were not all going at the same time...horrible I know, but I can't help feeling like it's going to be fake camping with people who don't really like to camp and who will try to make it be like a giant party. don't want a party! just want to be outside with driftwood and quiet hike taking! mind you once I'm there I know it will be fine, especially if I can manage to ditch out on the group with a few people or even alone for awhile. I'm glad I have my own car, because there's some stuff I want to do on my own too.


Thanks for saying I'm not a bad friend. I will try and come up with things for us to do or at least next time I happen to think of something that could be fun I'll speak up. Although I'm still thinking of moving so I had better hurry up and think of something. And if it makes you happy I'll even try and think of something entertaining to do for my non fun bday.



i know we're not helping. but i didn't really think we could. i mean...dood. i'm going to love you if you're here or there. and i'm going to email you just as much and talk to you and i won't see you as much i know if you moved, but if i had a different job i wouldn't see you as much either. and i want a different job too. so who knows. i think for the moment you would be happier down there then here, if only cause of flora and sumit. so i think you should just move down there. if you end up not liking it down there either, then you can move somewhere else. but i think a move would be good. now i will counteract all your reasons against moving/not moving:

pros of going:

1. you could get a job in benicia, walnut creek, phill, somewhere notberkeley.

2. you could quit your current job.

3. you could convince your mom to move somewhere else.

4. you could convince sumit to move up here.

5. you could move out and live with sumit somewhere here.

6. next 9 months yes. but why move now?

7. could work temp jobs here.

pros of staying

1. you can make friends of your own in SB. making friends is not thathard. you can do it. and us girlies here are going to be there for you no matter what even if we are not in the same city so that shouldn't matter. and i will be visiting SD more next year i think and will make stops in SBand stay there too. so you would see me at any rate.

2. you can find a job. apply now.

3. your mom will be fine without you as she was fine without you before. and also she will not be THAT far away and you could come visit her whenever you wanted.

4. you can find a place to live. paying rent is not that bad. ok yes it is. this is the hardest point to refute. shelling out money sucks ass. especially since you already have debts and will create more with grad school

5. you'll get new health and dental insurance. how often do you use it anyway? not very often.

6. you'll meet other cool people at your next job. that's the way of jobs. they always have some cool people.

7. hmmm...maybe you can sign over your gym membership to me and i can take over making payments on it...or you could do that for your mom. then it wouldn be someone else's problem anyway.

8. you will get the same amount of pay as here. this place pays shitty for our work really. i mean look at some of the bank money kristen made at some of her other temp jobs. you can do it.

so in the end my helpfulness is restricted to: do you want to save money by living at home before going to grad school and either dealing with your shitty job or getting a different shitty job?


move to SB and get a shitty job and not save money for grad school, but potentially be happier than you currently are?


Thanks for saying I'm not a crappy friend, but with all your logic I'm right back where I started. (why does that sound like a song?) Anyways can't say much as I actually have work to do. But thanks. I appreciate everything everyone said. Honest. But I guess I'll have to make the dreaded decision on my own. To stay or not to stay that is the question. ughhh. But thanks for the support guys. It means a lot. Work...must work. And I love you too.



what's this about doing stuff on your own? what kind of "stuff"? are you going to go out and kill some bears and make blankets out of them? and booties? cause i have no desire to do that. so you have fun. but are you going to be going to the aquarium or something else fun? i like fishes.


let's make molasses cookies! unfun bday plans! yes!


Yea cookies! I'm down. Cookies are good for the soul...when? I can't keep updating this so everybody either start emailing everybody or use one of the pages with an actual handy dandy comment features. Damn me and my refusal to change to movable type.

Posted by nuala at July 23, 2002 12:00 PM

we still haven't made molasses cookies...or painted crockery... it's a sad sad messed up world.

Posted by: michele on August 14, 2002 08:19 AM