April 24, 2003
It's Official...again

Apparently I am not smart enough to teach children. I've been rejected from another school, Santa Barbara. I knew it was coming. I did horribly in the interview. I was just waiting to have it confirmed. Honestly I'm not really suprised or upset, but I still feel like an idiot. Why you ask? I'll tell you:

1. I've always felt a little intellectually inferior to those around me. I always feel like the last to catch on. This is just a confirmation of that feeling.

2. I've done nothing but pursue getting into a teaching career for the last year. I've used my vacation time and taken non paid days at work to put in time at the schools and now I have to go into work and say yep I got rejected (I'm that much of a moron) and yep I'm still leaving and nope I'm not going to pursue teaching anymore because I'm a flake and all that matters is moving closer to my boyfriend. Okay the last two reasons are not REALLY true. I don't think I'm a flake and I am moving to be closer to my boyfriend but it's not the only reason.

I guess I mainly feel like I'm going to come across as a 15 year old idiot who doesn't know what she wants and doesn't know the meaning of pursuing a goal. I feel like they're all going to think I'm abandoning my goal for my boyfriend. But the truth is that if I REALLY knew that teaching was what I wanted I wouldn't let this stop me. I would go to San Diego if I got in there. And if I didn't I would just go to Chapman University here, because they take everyone.

On the whole though I'm relieved. While everyone else was convinced I'd make a good teacher I was still on the fence. I enjoyed the time I spent in the schools and I probably could teach and do it well, but I don't feel passionate enough to say Hell Yea! I'm doing that! Sometimes I'm afraid it's my own apathy kicking in. I hope it's not. I hope I'm not turning my back on something I should be doing. I like kids, but I think I'm looking forward to having my own and not necessarily spending time with everyone else's.

So here I am. Two rejections under my belt and another plan. And a firm plan now that I know I'm not wanted at the UCSB Teaching Program. I'm still moving to SB in June and I'm going to pursue a career in the Hospitality industry. To me it seems to fit better than teaching. Here's to hoping I don't change my mind.

Posted by nuala at April 24, 2003 06:50 PM

I'm so sorry you didn't get in but I guess I'm also glad. I don't think their is anything wrong with wanting to be close to Sumit. I think that you'll be happy in Santa Barbara, regardless of what you're doing. I am kinda sad that you're interpreting these events as something which indicates that you're intellectually inferior. I very much disagree with your take on it. If I've helped or caused you to feel inferior, then I have done you and I a huge diservice. You're a dear friend, I care about you very much and am sorry that UCSB couldn't see how wonderful you are.

Posted by: gene on April 25, 2003 12:57 AM

gene you're so mushy! like mashed peas. mmm peas...

nuala, i love you. you're hella smart. you know way more about history than i ever will. fuck these uc bastards anyway, they're all the same. as long as you're happy in SB with sumit then nothing else really matters.

Posted by: michele on April 25, 2003 08:17 AM

Thanks for the support. I know I'm not REALLY dumb, but sometimes I just feel like a real moron. This is one of those times. I'm sure I'll get over it. I always do.

Posted by: Nuala on April 25, 2003 08:21 AM

I must echo Gene's sentiments...there is absolutely nothing lacking in your intellect and I am absolutely positive you can be successful in whatever you choose to do. Perhaps your ambivalence in being sure this is what you want to do came across a bit in your interview, in which case it may turn out to be a blessing because you only have one life to live and you should spend it doing only what you absolutely love. It sometimes takes awhile (and experience, trial and error) to find it, but don't give up and keep trying new ideas. I think once you find something you're really passionate about everything will just fall into place. In the meantime, at least you can enjoy Santa Barbara and being near Sumit (which is definately something worth smiling about!!!...i should know, master of long distance am i). As for a career, you're still plenty young to be able to enjoy being experimental. I love you most dearly and send all my heartfelt wishes that you find happiness and see how beautiful and wonderful you are.

Posted by: jade on April 25, 2003 08:28 AM

You guys are making me all sappy! Stop it! just kidding. I love it! Keep talking.

Posted by: Nuala on April 25, 2003 08:45 AM

my turn!
1. you are one of the smartest people i know.
2. i've never taught OR done hospitality management, but it seems like the second job would be more stressful and generally more high-powered, and i think you could handle those things really well. even though you would be a GREAT teacher because you are calm and patient and nice and smart and kids like you, i think that doing something that (i imagine) is somewhat more demanding will maybe be more rewarding. (i have NOTHING against teaching and i think it's definitely a really hard job, don't get me wrong.)

and i don't think people will assume you're moving down for flakey reasons or that you are dumb, since anyone who knows you at all knows that you are smart and also the epitome of non-flakiness.

and that is my eight cents.

Posted by: didofoot on April 25, 2003 12:47 PM


I agree with your first statement. I've always felt intellectually superior to you. Your rejection from grad school only confirms my greatness.

On a serious note, aren't those UC schools the most difficult to get into? How can you expect to hold down a full time job and still do well on some entrance test?

The key to life is not to be daunted. Set a goal and don't be bothered with how you get there.

A few years ago I got a bug in my butt to hike from Orinda to Berkeley, you know, over the hills. It was a really nice day and I just decided to try something new. I hiked in from Orinda and as I neared Berkeley I found myself off the path. I could see where I wanted to go, but there was no clear path (this is the analogy part. Path… Get it?) Anyway, I just kept moving forward regardless of there being no obvious path. It was rough, but it didn't matter. I was nearing my goal. (get it, goal?) Soon I was into the clearing and from there made the simple decent to a fire trail near strawberry canyon. See, I didn't get daunted by the task of getting there, because I knew if I kept moving in the right direction, regardless of how indiscernible the path became, I'd eventually get there. It’s as if, we’re all, each of us, provided an internal compass. The compass is our heart; the magnetic field is the world around us. The little hand inside the compass? Well, that’s like our heart tugging us toward our goal, which is North, and the glass we peer through is like our eyes, which are like the window to the soul. It’s beautiful, truly beautiful.

Over the next few weeks the case of poison oak I'd contracted (from the thicket of leafless foliage through which I’d passed – poison oak is deciduous and, yes, the twigs harbor the ungodly oils) spread across my entire body. From head to toe, I was swollen, and in sheer agony. My groin had become a festering, puss-drenched, mass of puffed-up flesh. Even my anus was entirely overtaken by the encroaching contagion. Nights were endless and ghastly, and to my horror, the mattress was invariably blood-soaked by morning, as I’d scratch off large patches of skin. The important thing to remember, however, is that I reached my goal in spite of being off the trail.

If you want to teach, go to *any* school, because it's not the school that teaches you. It's you. You read books like a fiend. There's no question you have the obsessively studious tenacity to pursue anything. Find something you enjoy doing and figure out a way to make a living at it.


Posted by: shoefly on May 6, 2003 07:03 PM

I was so confused and mildly distrubed by this comment until 10 minutes ago when my friend Aaron from work informed me that he had made the comment. Whew! At least it's a psycho I know and not some random one roaming the internet.

Posted by: Nuala on May 7, 2003 11:20 AM

aaron you are so sneaky! i actually hated whoever had posted this because i thought they were being mean. knowing it's aaron makes it so much less mean and so much more funny. because he is intellectually superior to nuala in every way. and also much more angelic--unlike nuala's tarnished halo and faintly sprouting devil horns.

Posted by: michele on May 7, 2003 11:31 AM

He wishes he was intellectually superior to Nuala in every way, but he is not. He is inferior.

Posted by: Nuala on May 7, 2003 12:47 PM

well, i dunno about that. his name *does* come first in the alphabet. that's gotta mean something.

but if that scale works then at least you are smarter than sean.

Posted by: didofoot on May 7, 2003 02:27 PM

Well, it would seem (except for Nuala's dissenting vote) that I am superior to Nuala with regards to intellect. Although I'm thankful, alas, it's really nothing about which anyone can be boastful. Does an elephant dance scornfully atop a tiny grain of sand? Does Jupiter elicit pride at having greater mass than a pea? Does the sun boast about being brighter than a 25-watt light bulb? One may, with complete objectivity, acknowledge the imbalances in nature, but any attempts to derive delight from them is pure folly.


Posted by: shoefly on May 7, 2003 09:01 PM