March 07, 2003
I know you are but what am I?

Sent to me by my sister:

Letter to the London Observer, from Terry Jones (Monty Python)
by Terry Jones • Sunday February 23, 2003 at 03:06 PM

Monty Python's Terry Jone's letter re: the war in Iraq

Sunday January 26, 2003

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am I!

For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what.
I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.

Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult.

Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want! And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us. That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children.

Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.

Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror.

What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves. Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist?

Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims? It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up. Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come. It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.

Terry Jones

To see comments posted by those responding to the letter, click here. (Some were quite outraged by what Terry had to say)

Posted by nuala at March 07, 2003 11:40 AM

what a fantastic letter.

I went and read the comments. It's depressing. The pro-war faction is using all the same arguments that the anti-war faction uses: You're brainwashed, We have the truth, Don't you read the news, etc. And neither side can spell. who's right? am I right? are they? I have to assume it's me who's right, because it would be tough to go around discounting my own thoughts all the time.

Posted by: didofoot on March 7, 2003 03:21 PM

No I'm right.

Posted by: Nuala on March 7, 2003 03:32 PM

ha ha ha ha!!!

she has a point.

Posted by: mishy fishy on March 7, 2003 03:41 PM

My favorite comment was the one by "American." The one that threatened to dismantle Europe's economy by not vacationing there "in the next 15-20 years."

And the constant references to America being a knight in shining armor during WWII. It was great to see some good old-fashioned yankee historical propaganda shoved in people's faces.

Posted by: Jacob on March 7, 2003 10:32 PM

In "A Fish Called Wanda," Kevin Kline's character talks about America as the WWII knight ("Without us, you'd all be speaking German!"), but it's clear he's an idiot. Now people are making this argument in all seriousness, as if France should base their Iraq decision on what happened in WWII. I'm no history major, but I think Paris was occupied by the Nazis a good two years before the US could be bothered to enter the war. It also implies that the US was fighting Germany as a favor to France, as if they might have decided to let the Nazis run rampant over Europe out of spite if the French weren't sufficiently grateful.

Posted by: sean on March 8, 2003 01:39 AM

yeah and really, who did they THINK was going to thank them? the french couldn't be bothered and the rest of the world could do without the french anyway, with their stinky cheese and consonant-ignoring behavior.

(except nuala. i like her.)

Posted by: didofoot on March 10, 2003 11:36 AM

don't the french have lots of horrid gutteral consonant words? am i mis-remembering? they spit all the time after all.

Posted by: michele on March 10, 2003 11:47 AM

Who spits? What's with all the anti french? So they don't want war. Who does? sigh. They get such a bad rap. (Did anyone see Saturday's Get Fuzzy? It was all about dissing the French)

And might I add that it wasn't really their fault that they fell in World War II and were under Nazi control. I mean they took the brunt of the damage in WWI. It destroyed their economy and their land and their population. And when the world depression occurred it didn't help. Now while they didn't prepare as well as they could have, I don't think they should get the horrible wrap they do all the time. They were just trying to survive and many did resist. (sorry I always feel bad that people call them collaborators, I just think they did what a lot of people would have if faced with the same situation)

P.S. I like the stinky cheese

Posted by: Nuala on March 10, 2003 12:04 PM

i'm not against the french or thier cheese. i just think that kristen's wrong about them not using lots of consonants.

did you see the mr. rogers inspired comic today?

Posted by: michele on March 10, 2003 12:20 PM

Yea. It was cute.

Posted by: Nuala on March 10, 2003 12:20 PM

no no, i think they were amazing in the war and are being good world citizens in this one. i'm just being, you know, stereotypical american girl complaining about the rude waiters and so on.

Posted by: didofoot on March 10, 2003 01:12 PM

Oh no it's fine, I didn't really mean you guys it's just lately any sort of news medium seems to be dissing them. They always seem to be a scapegoat. But whatever

Posted by: Nuala on March 10, 2003 01:13 PM