I thought I was doing ok, better than ok, with the whole break up thing and it's not that I'm doing badly now, but I MISS him. I mean it's like a physical ache. Suddenly I feel like ok, we've been apart for a while, now it's time to make up. I know it's stupid but I can't help feeling this way. I miss seeing him, I miss spending time with him and I miss talking to him.
What brought this on you ask? Well first I got hit on the other night when I went out with Nicole from work. It wasn't sleazy or bad. The guy was actually quite nice and flattering, but there was no "flutter, flutter" as Helena would say, and all I could think about was how he wasn't Sumit. Then tonight I went to dinner with Sumit and while it was nice it just made me miss him more. Being around him is so comfortable and familiar that it is hard to remember why we aren't together anymore. And he told his parents.
And so now I'm confused, and yet at the same time I know it's for the best that it's over. I don't have to deal with his whole parent situation as well as feeling like I'm not good enough. I mean since we broke up I haven't cried. That's four weeks of non bawling and seriously that is a record, because when we were together I was crying at least weekly. And that to me is one sign that it is for the best. I just don't know how can I miss someone so much while at the same time know it is best not to be around him? How can I want to be around someone that is obviously not good for me?
I don't actually know what stage of the breakup steps I am actually on, but I hope that these new feelings mean I'm moving on and not hoping for us to get back together. I hope that I'm working through this and not pretending to....
But I figure that If I can laugh at the fight scene in Bridget Jones as I type this, things can't be so bad. Maybe I should just move to London and find my Mr. Darcy. Mmmmm Colin Firth. Did I mention that neither of my housemates have seen Pride and Prejudice? You can bet there is going to be a Darcy-a-thon at my house as soon as the rommies are both back.
Writing this has made me feel better. Yea for the computerized pensive. I go laugh some more at Bridget now.
Posted by nuala at August 07, 2003 09:16 PMi'll move to london with you.
i think your 4 week record is a definite sign that you are doing much better now, (now as in now without the grief involved in dating sumit). and sure you miss him and you don't need to rejoin the dating scene yet, but you're going to be fine. and someday you'll find someone much better. possibly in london. which is where we will be moving very soon. and if not london, well then definitely scotland. or wales. i'm not going to be picky about sheep-farmers with accents and pasty white skin.
p.s. fuck yeah for cathartic blogs. seriously, mine was/is instrumental in me mentally working thru lots of things.
Posted by: michele on August 7, 2003 10:21 PMNuala, there's a very real, unavoidable reason for your feelings. It's the way our brains are wired. We're mammals and we thrive on love and attention. When a relationship ends, we miss those things, and it manifests as physical and emotional pain.
There's a great book on the subject. It's called A General Theory of Love. I highly recommend it.
Posted by: cody on August 7, 2003 11:37 PMI will follow you both to london after I graduate, taking a flat nearby and never coming to visit because I can't breathe in a 3-cat household.
I felt that way too, but I wasn't as self-aware as you seem to be. I am impressed that you can step back from what you're feeling. I love you and I can't WAIT to see you and play the aces game so that we can confirm that colin firth is best in bed. faith in the game.
Posted by: didofoot on August 8, 2003 08:28 AMif you're moving to london, don't think you can leave without me coming with!
as for sumit, missing him is a natural (albeit, painful) part of breaking up. especially since you were such a huge part of each other's lives (like with the calling each other at random times throughout the day and then to say goodnight). you're a part of each other's routine, habits, and identity, so it's to be expected that you'd need to readjust to not having that. but the not crying thing is *definately* a good sign.
give yourself time to find yourself again. i think you'll find you're much better for it when the next relationship comes along. i love you and we'll talk more on sunday.
p.s. was the guy cute? ;)
did you wear the brown pants when you went out? because those brown pants are HOT.
Posted by: didofoot on August 8, 2003 09:11 AMYes. Brown pants hot.
Do sheep farmers blog? It could be downright adverse. I mean, the loud bleeting in the room next door, the stench, the manure on the keyboard. You might re-think this whole sheep farmer thing, Michele.
Posted by: shoefly on August 8, 2003 09:48 AMWow a girl is gone at work for a couple of hours and look what happens while she is gone.
Cody thanks for the advise, the book sounds interesting, I might go pick it up.
London here we come, now lets just hope that there are four Mr Darcy/Colin Firths running around. Guess what I'm going to watch very shortly? WHAT A GIRL WANTS. I am so excited
Kristen, you know I'm probably not going to make it up for my bday right?
What brown pants? He wasn't bad looking....
Posted by: nuala on August 8, 2003 04:45 PM