On a different note, my bday is coming up and Kristen and Michele are forcing me to do something even though I never have any fun on my bday so I've been thinking and here's what I've come up with. Feel free to email me with your comments of yeas or nays and/or suggestions. AHEM:
- Day at Great America
- Nice fancy dinner in SF
- Day or Evening at Scandia playing miniature golf, go carts and bumper boats
- Fun at the Ren Faire
- Murder Mystery Dinner game in my honor
- Picnic and outdoor games at Golden Gate Park
So after all that crap from yesterday I decided to stay. It's just not worth it to go looking for a job, a place to live, be really strapped for money, and all that stress when really, hopefully I'll be moving down in a mere 8 months. Now most of you might say whoa that's a long time but really I've been here almost a year already and Sept, Oct I'm going to be out of work a lot using vacation time, and then Nov and December are all about the paid holidays and then from there it's all down hill with only 4 months or so to go so....I'm gonna stick it out. I've made Sonia at work extremely happy, which made me feel good. Mom's glad I'm going to be around and so are you I'm sure my two faithful readers. (hi michele and kristen (frantic hand waving))
But today. Oh my today is all about boredom. I'm counting down the minutes till I can leave and start the drive down to big sur and with my email buddies already there I am SOOOO bored. I should be working on a project Lorie gave me but she was a little vague about what she needed and it's so tedious and I just don't want to do it. ughhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Why oh why is 4:30 so far away. Sometimes Fridays just suck.
So I'm trying to decide whether or not to bite the big one and move down to SB. I hate this indecision and I have to let Sonia know for sure one way or another next week, but I don't know what to do because while I want to leave I'm also scared it will be no better than here. So per my mother and Sumit who think exactly alike (it's scary I tell you) I'm writing a list. So what I need from you oh faithful readers (aka michele and kristen) is what you honestly think is the best. So email me! As I suck and have no cool comment features, I'll post what you say on the site so EVERYONE can see the discussion. Ahem...here's the list:
| Pros of Going | Cons of Going |
|---|---|
|
|
Ughhh this is why I hate lists....maybe I should just stay....FUCK.
Kristen:
1. you refer to going to sb as "biting the big one"? hee.
2. I'm not going to be very helpful here because you find my methods flakey. but were it me, I would go. because yes, you have a job here, but you're very employable and you won't have a problem finding another one. you're more employable than I am (degree, more skills, good looking resume, clearly dependable) and I never have problems finding jobs. also, even though I know you like us and all, you don't seem happy too often. and you said yourself how hanging with longhai et al was so great, which makes me feel that hanging with us is not always so great for you. which means we really aren't a factor. sumit on the other hand is a total factor. you're in a real relationship and you've been together for a long time and you yourself are not particularly bound to any one place right now. so it makes no sense to me that you're living five hours away from him. I mean I know why you moved here, but that reason is gone now so why stay? also, you'll still see your mom. I mean you can come visit here - after all you do that drive all the time now anyway, so you could still come see her on weekends when you wanted. so I am pro move for you.
Nuala:
1. You're methods are not flakey. I admire you can just pick up and move and it gives me faith that I can do the same.
2. It's not that you guys don't make me happy it's just that you have lives of your own that do not include me and I have no life of my own. But my point is I still won't have a life of my own in SB, just Sumit.
3. And yes I can visit, but I still feel a little guilty leaving my mother all alone.
4. But keep telling me these things cause they help.
Sumit:
ic... i read you webpage.... you seem confuzzzed! take a coin and do a head
tales toss... heads i win, tales you lose.... if i win you come down.. hows that
Nuala:
At this point I probably should. Ahh but one more concern about moving...what if I don't get into the SB teaching program next year and then I'll have to move again.
Michele:
to sumit: learn to spell.
to kristen: you flake like a good case of dandruff.
to nuala: don't move. maybe they will fire your so-called "workleader." or maybe you could request moving offices. you could move into sonia's and sonia and lorie could move back into yours. i am being purposefully mean in suggesting this now. but now there's a whole list of reasons to stay. i feel more confident in my decision for you. but then again....it's not my decision. i personally think you should apply for jobs down there, go interview at said jobs, if nothing comes of the trying then don't move. but if someone offers you a job then it crosses off your fear of not having a job down there and sets you up with one. which will also counteract the fear of not making the same amount cause you could make sure you would be making the same amount. and you don't have that much stuff. and you could leave most of it here for a while (books, extraneous stuff.) so it wouldn't be that bad of a move. then again our so called lives which are seperate from yours are so simply because you do not do stuff with us. you could come to baseball. you ARE going camping. you went to coachella with us. you could come over more often if you wanted. you went swimming this weekend. and i went to the aidswalk with you. i think your perception of not having a life with us is skewed. all parts of my life include you. you just need to include yourself in more of it. ummm all that said....i have no idea anymore what you should do. but it's your decision and you should do whatever makes you happy RIGHT NOW. if it ends up being not so happy you can do something else. it won't be the end of the world. it's just moving some crap a couple hours away. don't be afraid of it either way. what do you wanna bet that next sumit suggests a roll of the dice in which if you role a 1,2,3,4,5, or 6 you move down there and if you roll a 7, you stay here? make sure he doesn't spell it role. why am i so mean?!! why!?! i spell things wrong all the fucking time. i bet i spelled things wrong in this email. i am such a hypocrite.
Nuala:
Michele, he always spells things wrong. Get over it. He's an ENGINEER.
They're never going to fire her and they're never going to let me move desks as it makes no sense, so all the stuff that makes me unhappy at work is not going to change.
I didn't say our lives were separate I just said that you guys have lives of your own which you do. And how often do we stuff just one on one or the three of us? Not damn often and while I like your friends, they're not my friends and I don't feel like I have much in common with them so hanging out with them is never all that fun for me. I don't come over more often because I don't like feeling like I'm begging for attention or something. I hate going somewhere with nothing to do and nothing to say. It just makes me want to run away, which I do. Maybe all this unhappiness or the way I feel is my fault, maybe it's not, but it is how I feel about things.
Kristen:
but if you want to do something with just us, why don't you say so? I mean all you have to do is say hey, let's just us watch a movie or just us paint crockery or just us whatever whatever. the fact that you never have suggested anything for us to do together makes me feel that you just don't like us all that much. especially as a lot of times when we are together you wind up on the phone with sumit.
Nuala:
Honestly I don't know why I don't suggest things to do. I think it has to do with me thinking I'm looking for attention or taking your time away from other things. I'm not saying it makes sense it's just what I think. And I do like hanging out with you guys and when sumit does call I do try to limit the conversation. It's just I guess I feel like I'm not fun anymore and that I'm boring all the time and so me not suggesting anything is trying to avoid you having to deal with my uncheerfulness which come on has been pretty prevalent for some time. And believe me I've tried to snap myself out of it, but it's almost like I can't fully relax around anyone anymore.
Michele:
it's not begging for attention to ask to do something. i ask people if they want to do things all the time and don't think about whether or not it's because i selfishly want all thier attention to be on me. i probably will worry about that from now on though. :P
i'm sorry, sumit. i know you're an engineer. (hee hee hee. she said it first!)
and look at it this way, soon everyone's going to be dispersing anyway so it will be a lot easier to do things with specific people one at a time since there won't be a place where 2 or more people co-exist in the same house. is this discussion really helping you?
Nuala:
No it's not helping. I'm just starting to feel like a horrible friend. Anyways as usual I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I have to go off and help down the hall now so I probably will be a-wall for a little while. I just want you to know that I love you guys and that you have in no way contributed to any of the stupid ways I act or think. I think my main problem is that things are never the way I picture them and so am disappointed by everything.
Kristen:
dood you are totally not a bad friend. and if you don't think of things for us to do, that's ok. but I would be delighted if you did though. because I'm also getting tired of always doing stuff in big groups. like this camping thing: even though I'm glad everyone wants to go, I wish that they were not all going at the same time...horrible I know, but I can't help feeling like it's going to be fake camping with people who don't really like to camp and who will try to make it be like a giant party. don't want a party! just want to be outside with driftwood and quiet hike taking! mind you once I'm there I know it will be fine, especially if I can manage to ditch out on the group with a few people or even alone for awhile. I'm glad I have my own car, because there's some stuff I want to do on my own too.
Nuala:
Thanks for saying I'm not a bad friend. I will try and come up with things for us to do or at least next time I happen to think of something that could be fun I'll speak up. Although I'm still thinking of moving so I had better hurry up and think of something. And if it makes you happy I'll even try and think of something entertaining to do for my non fun bday.
Michele:
YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE FRIEND. YOU ARE A GREAT FRIEND. THIS WEEKEND I WILL EAT ALL YOUR SMORES FOR YOU BECAUSE I AM A GREAT FRIEND TOO.
i know we're not helping. but i didn't really think we could. i mean...dood. i'm going to love you if you're here or there. and i'm going to email you just as much and talk to you and i won't see you as much i know if you moved, but if i had a different job i wouldn't see you as much either. and i want a different job too. so who knows. i think for the moment you would be happier down there then here, if only cause of flora and sumit. so i think you should just move down there. if you end up not liking it down there either, then you can move somewhere else. but i think a move would be good. now i will counteract all your reasons against moving/not moving:
pros of going:
1. you could get a job in benicia, walnut creek, phill, somewhere notberkeley.
2. you could quit your current job.
3. you could convince your mom to move somewhere else.
4. you could convince sumit to move up here.
5. you could move out and live with sumit somewhere here.
6. next 9 months yes. but why move now?
7. could work temp jobs here.
pros of staying
1. you can make friends of your own in SB. making friends is not thathard. you can do it. and us girlies here are going to be there for you no matter what even if we are not in the same city so that shouldn't matter. and i will be visiting SD more next year i think and will make stops in SBand stay there too. so you would see me at any rate.
2. you can find a job. apply now.
3. your mom will be fine without you as she was fine without you before. and also she will not be THAT far away and you could come visit her whenever you wanted.
4. you can find a place to live. paying rent is not that bad. ok yes it is. this is the hardest point to refute. shelling out money sucks ass. especially since you already have debts and will create more with grad school
5. you'll get new health and dental insurance. how often do you use it anyway? not very often.
6. you'll meet other cool people at your next job. that's the way of jobs. they always have some cool people.
7. hmmm...maybe you can sign over your gym membership to me and i can take over making payments on it...or you could do that for your mom. then it wouldn be someone else's problem anyway.
8. you will get the same amount of pay as here. this place pays shitty for our work really. i mean look at some of the bank money kristen made at some of her other temp jobs. you can do it.
so in the end my helpfulness is restricted to: do you want to save money by living at home before going to grad school and either dealing with your shitty job or getting a different shitty job?
OR
move to SB and get a shitty job and not save money for grad school, but potentially be happier than you currently are?
Nuala:
Thanks for saying I'm not a crappy friend, but with all your logic I'm right back where I started. (why does that sound like a song?) Anyways can't say much as I actually have work to do. But thanks. I appreciate everything everyone said. Honest. But I guess I'll have to make the dreaded decision on my own. To stay or not to stay that is the question. ughhh. But thanks for the support guys. It means a lot. Work...must work. And I love you too.
Michele:
kristen:
what's this about doing stuff on your own? what kind of "stuff"? are you going to go out and kill some bears and make blankets out of them? and booties? cause i have no desire to do that. so you have fun. but are you going to be going to the aquarium or something else fun? i like fishes.
nuala:
let's make molasses cookies! unfun bday plans! yes!
Nuala:
Yea cookies! I'm down. Cookies are good for the soul...when? I can't keep updating this so everybody either start emailing everybody or use one of the pages with an actual handy dandy comment features. Damn me and my refusal to change to movable type.
AMEN. Maybe then "some" people would not be so uptight or annoying. Yea whatever. And maybe all that beer would make it easier to tell them I'm leaving them for SB.....then again maybe it would just give me a bad headache where I didn't remember all the horrible things I said about to them. It could be a win win situation....then again maybe not.
Did I also mention that I'm going to Cabo? That's right Sumit and I finally managed to decide where to go when to go and paid for it! Oh my god! Are you shocked? I was just glad we finally found something that wasn't so expensive. Sun and sand for me with tropical drinks for 4 days and 3 nights. It's all I ask for. Anyways if you would like to see the hotel we're staying at click here. If you would like to see pictures of Cabo with full 360 degree views click here. So excited...but why do I still have to wait till September to be with the nice sun and sand. sigh.
Has anyone ever noticed that whenever someone you don't know very well tells a story about a gay friend of theirs they use and indulgent tone as if the friend is a small child that has done something cute. Even if the fact that this person is gay is not pertinent to the story the storyteller, within a few sentences, tells you anyways with the off hand remark, "He's gay of course", as if that explains the entire story and/or their behavior. I just find it strange and have even caught myself doing it when talking about Clint to people who do not know him. I say that my sister is living with her best friend in NY, and they assume it's a girl until I mention Clint's name and then they look at me funny and then I have to say "He's gay" as if to say no I'm not an idiot who doesn't realize her sister is secretly shacking up with her (boy)friend. I find it annoying as if somehow it is a universal assumption that gay people are the wayward children of the world who do things that heterosexual people just shake their heads and grin at because somehow it's so damn cute.
Weird.
So long time no writing. As most know I was in SB over the weekend. I got a flat tire in San Jose on my way down. Damn construction. I had to wait TWO HOURS for the tow truck and I forgot to bring a book with me. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Now that was frustrating, but it did give me an opportunity to miss even more work by saying that I got the flat tire on the way home so that I could stay longer in SB. (evil grin) The best part of my trip down was that we Sumit and I did a small excursion to the French Festival in SB and Lions and Tigers and Bears OH MY! We watched the young can-can dancers and what did they do after they finished? They went looking for volunteers to do it all over with them! And who did they pick?! That's right! Sumit and Bill! Oh the hilarity! The gasping for breath! The sheer amusement of it all. And did either Jessica or I have a camera? No of course not! Damn me and my non taking pictures ways. I'm going to change that so next time Sumit is kicking his feet in the air and hopping around in circles and flashing his tummy at groups of people I will have photographic proof which I can torture him with for years to come.
We also went to this fabulous restaurant in SB. Check it out. Mmmm chocolate soufflé.
Can I also mention that I have a garbage bag half full of basil from Aaron's garden?! He's says I can make pesto out of all of it but I have my doubts...huge doubts. SO MUCH BASIL! Want to see Aaron's garden? Click here.
So I just had to show of this picture and it has taken me forever to figure out how the scanner works, how to save it to disk and then how to crop it so that it looked nicer. God damn computers.
But it was so worth it because I mean just look at how cool I am being an Emporium of Good Food in good old Ireland! Who knew I had a double life and owned a van?! Not me! Although it would figure that my double life would have me in a place where I can eat an emporium of good food constantly. I am an international mystery! Well not really, but I have a van with my name all over it. hee hee...I am so pleased by this. Anyways someone from the office was in England saw it, took a picture, and sent it to Lorie saying look what you're neighbor is up to. I just love it.
So yesterday I read this thing about German Autobahn Driving. It seems that they drive at over a hundred miles per hour and there is only a recommended speed limit, not an actual limit, and this "recommended" speed limit is blatantly ignored by both the public and the police. It also seems they drive like they do in France, where if you're not hauling ass in the fast lane they get very upset and start honking their horns, flashing their high beams and tailgating you so that you are so intimidated you shamefully move to the slow lane while they zoom ahead giving you the finger.
Apparently they call people who linger in the fast lane "Auto Schlange" or car snake, and when asked what's the difference between a real snake and an auto snake they say, "On a real snake the ass is in the back" (knee slapping silliness, "Oh those Germans!")
So I don't really have anything to say today, but felt the need to say something as I am all alone in the office. (Read "Free as a bird") That's right my "lovely" (read sarcastically) officemate is off at some class for stuff she should probably already know how to do, but I don't care because I'm all alone and free to screw around and since I have nothing to do today, it's a great combo. (wow that was a long non sentence) I mean I'm completely devoid of work, so rambling on and on to you 3 people who read this site is my only form of entertainment at the moment. Hum de hum....but what to say....go read the Ribbon page.
So last night sucked. Sumit called when I was half asleep and I foolishly called him back once I realized that it was my phone ringing and not my alarm going off. So me half asleep trying to hold a conversation while Sumit pushes my buttons is not good because I am not thinking clearly and I just get upset. I was so angry, more over the fact that he even got me upset than the actual non argument. Because you see an argument with Sumit is like an argument with myself since he refuses to be involved. Anyways so when I finally did hang up I was wide awake and it took me a long time to fall back asleep and I just knew I was going to sleep in and what happened? I woke up when I should have been about to leave to go get Michele and Kristen. But you say this is not so bad. You just woke up late, you got to work, no big deal, and while true it was not a big deal it was how I woke up that sucked. I was having a bad nightmare when I woke up late. It's an epidemic and I blame Kristen for putting the idea in my head, except not really.
Anyways so the nightmare is everyone that ever is able to get me really upset is around. Sumit, who is again refusing to argue, my sister, Isabelle my aunt, my dad and my "work leader" from work are all present in some form. So it's like a non ending argument/me being pissed off and upset episode and really stress filled. With everyone pushing my buttons in the ways that only they can. Interesting though that Dad was just present rather than upsetting me and my sister too. Isabelle was the real main antagonist, while my "work leader" was a background distress factor that happened before everyone else showed up and Sumit was just his usual aggravating self. And the last thing I remember is running into another room to escape them and crying and feeling all alone. And then I woke up all tense and not on time.
And now I'm over analyzing my dream like a moron. I stop now.
I just wanted to say here what's up with the non loving French attitude? This is a recent and not first crack at the French made by Get Fuzzy. I mean I know the French can be rude and obnoxious, believe me I know some real French assholes, but come on there's got to be some other nationality he can pick on. They're not always arrogant, surrendering, out for themselves jerks. I mean he's just plain mean sometimes. Where's the love man? Where's the love?
So I'm reaching the breaking point. I'm so ready to quit this job. I'm sick of being under-appreciated and only pointed out for the minor things I have forgotten to do while all the good things I do are ignored. I'm sick of having a "work leader" who doesn't know the first thing about people or how to supervise. I'm ready to scream and start shooting people from the campanile, one person in particular and I don't need to be here. I'm in the middle of a serious contemplation for heading back to SB. Now I don't know if SB is going to make me any happier, but it won't involve commuting a total of two hours everyday to and from work, it won't involve working with the dumb ass system that is UCB or involve working with a pinhead. It also will not involve living out in the boonies, sitting on my ass every weekend because everything is too far away and I can't be bothered. It would involve being closer to my boyfriend so that I don't have to make 5 hour treks every couple of weekends to see him. It would be nicer to be in a city that is not congested with cars and freeway systems. Anyways so when I go down this weekend I'm going to look into seeing what the job prospect might be like as well as the housing situation. I'm not going yet but sometime soon I might tell them to stuff this job where the sun don't shine.
Can I just mention that I have to be the laziest person on the planet? Not only did I do nothing for the 4th I did nothing all weekend, and enjoyed it. However during my sun deprived and TV induced coma I did manage to go out on Friday and see dun dun dun! Long-Hai! and of course some other fabulous people including Jenni, Jason, Dan Tam and Jenni's boyfriend. And well honestly I think it's why I've been content all weekend long. It's been a really long time since I've felt like myself, like the Nuala before all the family friggin drama and life crisis happened to me. It's been a while since I've been able to relax and not care what people are thinking and can I just say thank you to all of those people who were at dinner. You made me feel like me again and you have no idea how much I appreciate that because honestly I thought that part of me was gone for good. How melodramatic I sound but it's true. I've just been so tense between all the family stuff and the sumit stuff just being with people who have no real knowledge of it and remember me from before all this stuff happened was just easy and fun. Maybe it's just cause I haven't heard all your jokes yet, or cause there was so much to talk about or maybe it was just playing deuces and bitching about Pleasant Hill but thanks for the fun and for reminding me that it is still possible for me to relax. Long-Hai is leaving us to run off to Europe on his own for a couple of weeks and I wish I was going with. Have fun, I know you will and tell me all about it when you get back. I'm going to try and get out of the house now and do something that does not involve staring at a screen with flashing pictures.
So I've totally given up on the idea of Sumit and I actually managing to go on vacation based on the fact that he's not willing to find out when he can go, nor where we can go and I'm sick of trying to figure out a place without any feedback so I give up! Anything that was remotely possible before is now way too expensive. So anyways it got me to thinking that that I'm vacation deprived, which is my fault and not my fault as I could say screw it and go someplace fantastic and then be poor, but I can't bring myself to do that. But not my fault because I have to use my vacation time to do all my pre professional work, so what I could have used to go someplace fantastic, I have to use for the sake of an eventual career. Bastards. So I've decided that whatever school I get into and whenever it's supposed to start I'm going to take a nice big long relaxing vacation before I go. Screw working up till the last minute! Screw saving for grad school! I'm saving for a trip! I can pay back my education later, for eons of years to come. Anyways so I'm already thinking of places to go. I'm thinking I'll go in May (since most of the programs start in June) and go someplace before all the tourists like me start showing up. I'm also still on a Greek Island kick from Mama Mia (see above) and I have ALWAYS wanted to go there so as of right now it's my destination of choice. It's going to be someplace tropical damnit and if I have to go alone so be it! Anyways so I was looking a little earlier (http://www.mykonosgreece.com/index1.html) and now I've got itchy feet. They want to go somewhere new, somewhere not boring. Somewhere sunny and fun.
I love how I go on these vacation kicks, and how usually nothing comes of them, but this is one that I think I'll stick to as it is a fabulous idea and something after working at UC Berkeley for a year and a half I will SOOOOOOO deserve. I may even attempt to go to a Club Med and then make them hire me while I'm there. Not that it would really happen but maybe I could torture them into giving me a job. Maybe...probably not. Why oh why don't they want me?!
Well so yet another boring dull weekend has gone by. Actually it wasn't so bad, nice and relaxing, except that I was still ticked about the whole work thing so it took me a long time to actually shake it. HOWEVER, I did get to see Mama Mia in San Francisco and my was it FABULOUS! The music, the dancing the WHITE SPANDEX! If you like ABBA music and want to have a grand old time go see it before it leaves SF as it was mighty entertaining. They even did three numbers at the end as a sort of encore. It was lots of fun. It also made me want to run away to the Greek islands, as that is where it was set and I have ALWAYS wanted to go to the Greek islands. Anyways I say again, Go and see it!
I also did a lot of boring stuff like getting the oil in my car changed, washing my car, buying a nice house plant, planting some herbs in the garden and starting on my scrapbook. Man am I glad I started it as it will be fabulous when it's done. Of course all the pictures that are missing will show up as soon as I'm done but whatever. I did not however work on my website for the Nuala page over the weekend, but I WAS left alone at work today in the afternoon giving me plenty of time to spruce the three pages I've been working on up a bit, so here they are. I'll let you know whenever I manage to update it too. Anyways the weekend basically consisted of me holing up in my house in Benicia being a hermit doing all these middle aged activities....oh when oh when will an actual life for me start. Whatever I still had fun in my own little self centered world.